An ArtTrickle

I am going under the assumption that no one is reading my blogs... that's entirely possible because I have never publicized that I am even writing in a blog. That's great because it frees me up to write what I want, rather than write what I think people want to hear.

Yesterday I woke up and wondered to myself "Where is my energy? Where is MY energy? Where is MY ENERGY???"

I have felt almost dead inside; I've been going through the motions of waking up with my kids and getting them ready for school, preparing them for cross country, feeding them every waking minute they are home... everything seems to be for the kids. Yes, I love them both with my infinitely expanded heart that I didn't realize had such a large capacity for love until after I met them both. Yes, I love to be a mother in the sense that I love having that unbreakable relationship with two other humans. They have taught me that commitment comes as a bi-product of truly loving someone. Who else would I be committed to waking up with in the middle of the night besides my kids?

My commitment to my kids has become a mechanical response to the life we sign them up for, that they want to sign up for as a result of exploring new activities and developing commitments of their own. Therefore, I'm feeling somewhat dead inside because that stuff becomes all consuming and at no point do I have time to honor the commitment I made to myself to take care of myself.

While I was standing at the microwave wondering where my spirit was, this trickle went from my neck and into my back - was a moment so distinct. It amazes me how the body KNOWS what to do and what we need. As I felt the movement in my neck and back I realized that what I needed to do was art; something about the energy I felt just was so clear that this is what my energy was telling me. I needed to go arting so I did just that. I went to a local park and painted and collaged and admired fall colors and felt my feet on the ground while my imagination stretched to the sky.

I keep coming back to art. Of course I do. It has always been my way of connecting to the world. It has been my way of keeping my spirit and my energy awakened and present for me as I navigate life. It's not a revelation that art is my way... yesterday it was more just... planting new seeds in my everyday life.